I imagine having everything I ever said and thought recorded. I imagine it’s there for all the world to see and to scrutinize.
How deeply am I a bungling hypocrite? How logically consistent am I really? How honest am I really? Am I really the good person I like to think that I am? Am I really the hero?
Unfortunately I am the hypocrite and the liar and not the good hero. I blush at thinking about how much work I need.
What does it cost to get one’s inner life in order? What does it cost to keep one’s external environment clean?
Time and Discipline.
This popped into my mind, “I don’t want to be a positive roll model for my sister.” Whether I want to or not I’m some kind of roll model, not in a self congratulatory way.
My actions are always judged and perceived by someone. Usually the closer the relationship with someone the more my actions are seen. I judge in such a manner automatically. Though with practice I’m far more aware of these charter infractions; meaning, I can circumvent this genetic impulse but it must be done via something like mindfulness, observation, attention and/or awareness.
So why shouldn’t I be judged? Well I think I should be.
The mind seems to always be dreaming. The difference in wakeful dreaming and sleep dreaming is consciousness. Consciousness seems to act as a barrier that keeps the dreams more orientated and cohesive; nonetheless, it’s still very dream like if we actually pay attention. Remove the barrier and we know how crazy things can get in our sleeping dream state.
Simplicity isn’t easy because our nature tells us we need more. Collecting and living in abundance is actually the easy way. However, the best and easiest way to live a purposeful life is through simplicity.
Discipline and habit (suffering) are our friends. Don’t fear suffering, embrace it!
Having an orderly soul is the main key to life.
white, black, rich, poor, fat, thin, ugly, beautiful, sick, healthy, old, young right, left matters not. The inverse of one’s position should matter not nor should it agitate one’s heart and mind. It’s through the inverse that life exists, not it’s eradication of the inverse.
we can all meet in the field of our humanity and disparities.
may I seek to bring my soul in order and see life for what it is, no more need for hatred or division.
Something that I’ve been thinking about it for sometime is an idea I call the left and right lateral limit. The left limit is a persons subjective idea of what horrible pain is and the right is pleasure (or happiness).
The pain threshold is subjective and as we, the human species, have evolved and conquered the external world our idea of what pain is changes; we experience less physical pain than a life several hundred and even thousand years ago.
As this occurs the entire spectrum of this left and right lateral limit shifts. Yesterday’s scrape become today’s ER visit. Yesterday’s bigot joke is today’s outrage.
Why wouldn’t wouldn’t we expect this as we pad the external world. In some regard these are consequences of an ever more civilized society.
Some might argue this isn’t civilizing. I say these new virtues are more extreme examples of past virtues . A major difference is in the past we had an extremely unforbidding environment to counter the virtues and to teach us.
With that environment gone we must self regulate this left and right lateral limit otherwise it spins out of control. However, since this isn’t natural human behavior so evolved behavior wins out (it’s easier to go with human behavior than regulate it). Thus we see today it playing out in a very vocal minority (growing).
It seems like:
The depth of the habit or problem we are trying to fix/change will be met with the direct inverse in suffering (pain). When did we become so delusional that it would be all sunshine and rainbows for becoming anew? I’m not sure to what extent we realize our life is pretty close to pure habit.
If it wasn’t why is it so hard to keep our promises to ourselves? Ok, I’ll never eat sugar again, or tomorrow I’ll start (x) but we don’t and then suffering for not doing the set out task and our inner voice is slightly weaker (This is a slow process so we don’t see the change). Even as we succeed suffering takes place because the old way is there beckoning for us, for its return so we fight but we get tired because the pain is to much: Its to hard.
My son is 6 years old and his teacher uses this app called class dojo and basically its a up to the minute report of positive and negative things that happen during the day. We encourage Alex to get 100%. Each day he leaves wanting 100% but then enviably he ends up falling short by not following directions, or other little infractions.
I asked him why doesn’t he just follow directions or not yell out in class? It seriously melted my heart when he said, “Pap, I try but it’s so hard.” I deeply understood what he meant. I laughed and rubbed his back and said, “Yeah, I know.”
For us adults what does this mean? What is hard? This, in my estimation, begs the questions if we truly are in control of ourselves why would it be hard? This is a delusion of the mind. We are not in control our habits are we can use our awareness to help direct our actions and behaviors. Then I ask myself what is the lessor or better form of suffering? I feel it is the suffering from achieving rather than failure so this shows me how important it is for me to show my son in action, discipline and encouragement to build these in his life so he can be a functional, productive, purpose driven, happen human being. This same thing applies to me but I must be the role model…. Enough for now as it is time for practice.
1) Placing inordinate emphasis on the most trivial matters by reacting to shallow momentary emotional spasms are not the best grounds for developing any sort of deeper fulfillment in life and leads one to continual momentary dissatisfaction.
2) I say explore life’s deeper values and exercise the governance (not blind governance) of all deeper values in ones life while rejecting the shallow emotional reactions. Just the starting point to any sort of meaningful life: practice.
3) Balance and moderation in all things is an art: habit.
This year was supposed to the year I meditated every day but a little while ago I just stopped. Why was I meditating in the first place? Well to to solve a problem of course. So often in life it seems like I do something to “fix” a problem. Seeking to fix; I was trying to fix me. For I am nothing but a broken vessel, right? Well I am and I’m ok with that. What is a problem? Just like the idea of a weed, my problem/s and the weed are completely dependent upon how I frame the situation. It is easy for me to say these things but its entirely different to really feel this ok-ness deeply. This year it feels like I’ve really made a big step in understanding despite stepping away. I still get mad, angry, upset, and I still have an attachment to particular emotions but I’m ok with these things. I see all these feelings and emotions coming and going within but I’m also fully involved; kind of hard to describe, but anyway. I’ve since picked up meditation again but doing so feels different. This understanding is at a slightly different, deeper, level than before, and it also seems to be ever changing, shifting and moving as I grow. I think I’m on my 4th year of pretty consistent meditating and I would like to go on a month long sometime in the coming years. Just getting my thoughts out there.