I imagine having everything I ever said and thought recorded. I imagine it’s there for all the world to see and to scrutinize.
How deeply am I a bungling hypocrite? How logically consistent am I really? How honest am I really? Am I really the good person I like to think that I am? Am I really the hero?
Unfortunately I am the hypocrite and the liar and not the good hero. I blush at thinking about how much work I need.
It seems like:
The depth of the habit or problem we are trying to fix/change will be met with the direct inverse in suffering (pain). When did we become so delusional that it would be all sunshine and rainbows for becoming anew? I’m not sure to what extent we realize our life is pretty close to pure habit.
If it wasn’t why is it so hard to keep our promises to ourselves? Ok, I’ll never eat sugar again, or tomorrow I’ll start (x) but we don’t and then suffering for not doing the set out task and our inner voice is slightly weaker (This is a slow process so we don’t see the change). Even as we succeed suffering takes place because the old way is there beckoning for us, for its return so we fight but we get tired because the pain is to much: Its to hard.
My son is 6 years old and his teacher uses this app called class dojo and basically its a up to the minute report of positive and negative things that happen during the day. We encourage Alex to get 100%. Each day he leaves wanting 100% but then enviably he ends up falling short by not following directions, or other little infractions.
I asked him why doesn’t he just follow directions or not yell out in class? It seriously melted my heart when he said, “Pap, I try but it’s so hard.” I deeply understood what he meant. I laughed and rubbed his back and said, “Yeah, I know.”
For us adults what does this mean? What is hard? This, in my estimation, begs the questions if we truly are in control of ourselves why would it be hard? This is a delusion of the mind. We are not in control our habits are we can use our awareness to help direct our actions and behaviors. Then I ask myself what is the lessor or better form of suffering? I feel it is the suffering from achieving rather than failure so this shows me how important it is for me to show my son in action, discipline and encouragement to build these in his life so he can be a functional, productive, purpose driven, happen human being. This same thing applies to me but I must be the role model…. Enough for now as it is time for practice.