Something just happened for which I feel exceptionally guilty about, so much so I wish I could just hide myself away and not have to face realty. I don’t write about things like this typically but I feel so guilty I’m not sure what else to do. So here it is…
I had a return item at home depot and I had my son and our dog with us. My son had his “magic wand” and was having me do various things like freezing my head so I was sort of rapped up in the moment with that. Then we parked at Home Depot and I was just thinking about going in and out and had a massive brain fart.
Maybe this is me making an excuse but I don’t think so. I’m trying to figure out why I did what I did. I accept full responsibility for my mistake and I’m not trying to go around it, just trying understand where the mind goes at times and how to be aware enough to overcome this human shortcoming.
I left my dog in the car and I didn’t even roll down the windows, and I don’t know why. I always take him in with us to the store. But some guy was there when I came out and blasted me for it, and to that I say good for him because I derived it. I’m glad he did this and I wish there were more people like him, standing up for what’s right. Maybe, for me, he went on a little too long but I got the point loud and clear: I am/was that guy. At this point I’m not sure what else to do. Maybe just sit here, continue to meditate on the issue and let it affect me.
Perhaps some slight irony but as I was driving home I starting thinking about the idea in my last blog, the one right before this one. I mentioned about doing a stupid act in a moment that’s typically out of character and then being judged in that moment by someone that doesn’t know you, in this case me.
I thought, “I wonder if the guy will go to facebook and talk about how the world is so fucked up and people like me are the problem with society”. First of all I know I am what’s wrong with the world and I might have even blogged about it, and if I didn’t it’s my title to my twitter profile. So then who are the “bad people”? Do they exist? By exist I mean the way in which the mind categorized “the enemy”, “the bad people”, or “the other”. To him I will likely be that face.
Here is the link to the blog I mentioned. It’s sort of a part two : Good and bad and morality is sadly in the eyes of the beholder
Someone might have these thoughts: Who am I and why do I matter? I’m only one person what difference do I make? What difference does anything I do make?
He then bends down and picks up a stick.
There are 7 billion people on this planet and each and everyday it moves and it all happens.
If one action doesn’t doesn’t matter how does it all happen? One thought ate a time, in a moment; one step at a time, in a moment.
Maybe there was once a single atom that asked such a question but here we are and here the universe is.
I think we do not know and understand the importance of one thought in one moment. Thus we conflate lack of understanding with it doesn’t matter.
These moments string together with the collision of time. Bang, bang, bang the moments go. Each nothing but each is absolutely everything.
If we actually think thoughts like that in the first lines we should reflect to see how life works. This shows how powerful right thoughts are.
Tolerance can’t be lawed, regulated or forced into existence.
I imagine having everything I ever said and thought recorded. I imagine it’s there for all the world to see and to scrutinize.
How deeply am I a bungling hypocrite? How logically consistent am I really? How honest am I really? Am I really the good person I like to think that I am? Am I really the hero?
Unfortunately I am the hypocrite and the liar and not the good hero. I blush at thinking about how much work I need.
What does it cost to get one’s inner life in order? What does it cost to keep one’s external environment clean?
Time and Discipline.
This popped into my mind, “I don’t want to be a positive roll model for my sister.” Whether I want to or not I’m some kind of roll model, not in a self congratulatory way.
My actions are always judged and perceived by someone. Usually the closer the relationship with someone the more my actions are seen. I judge in such a manner automatically. Though with practice I’m far more aware of these charter infractions; meaning, I can circumvent this genetic impulse but it must be done via something like mindfulness, observation, attention and/or awareness.
So why shouldn’t I be judged? Well I think I should be.
The mind seems to always be dreaming. The difference in wakeful dreaming and sleep dreaming is consciousness. Consciousness seems to act as a barrier that keeps the dreams more orientated and cohesive; nonetheless, it’s still very dream like if we actually pay attention. Remove the barrier and we know how crazy things can get in our sleeping dream state.
Simplicity isn’t easy because our nature tells us we need more. Collecting and living in abundance is actually the easy way. However, the best and easiest way to live a purposeful life is through simplicity.
Discipline and habit (suffering) are our friends. Don’t fear suffering, embrace it!
Having an orderly soul is the main key to life.
white, black, rich, poor, fat, thin, ugly, beautiful, sick, healthy, old, young right, left matters not. The inverse of one’s position should matter not nor should it agitate one’s heart and mind. It’s through the inverse that life exists, not it’s eradication of the inverse.
we can all meet in the field of our humanity and disparities.
may I seek to bring my soul in order and see life for what it is, no more need for hatred or division.
Something that I’ve been thinking about it for sometime is an idea I call the left and right lateral limit. The left limit is a persons subjective idea of what horrible pain is and the right is pleasure (or happiness).
The pain threshold is subjective and as we, the human species, have evolved and conquered the external world our idea of what pain is changes; we experience less physical pain than a life several hundred and even thousand years ago.
As this occurs the entire spectrum of this left and right lateral limit shifts. Yesterday’s scrape become today’s ER visit. Yesterday’s bigot joke is today’s outrage.
Why wouldn’t wouldn’t we expect this as we pad the external world. In some regard these are consequences of an ever more civilized society.
Some might argue this isn’t civilizing. I say these new virtues are more extreme examples of past virtues . A major difference is in the past we had an extremely unforbidding environment to counter the virtues and to teach us.
With that environment gone we must self regulate this left and right lateral limit otherwise it spins out of control. However, since this isn’t natural human behavior so evolved behavior wins out (it’s easier to go with human behavior than regulate it). Thus we see today it playing out in a very vocal minority (growing).