I imagine having everything I ever said and thought recorded. I imagine it’s there for all the world to see and to scrutinize.
How deeply am I a bungling hypocrite? How logically consistent am I really? How honest am I really? Am I really the good person I like to think that I am? Am I really the hero?
Unfortunately I am the hypocrite and the liar and not the good hero. I blush at thinking about how much work I need.
What does it cost to get one’s inner life in order? What does it cost to keep one’s external environment clean?
Time and Discipline.
This popped into my mind, “I don’t want to be a positive roll model for my sister.” Whether I want to or not I’m some kind of roll model, not in a self congratulatory way.
My actions are always judged and perceived by someone. Usually the closer the relationship with someone the more my actions are seen. I judge in such a manner automatically. Though with practice I’m far more aware of these charter infractions; meaning, I can circumvent this genetic impulse but it must be done via something like mindfulness, observation, attention and/or awareness.
So why shouldn’t I be judged? Well I think I should be.
Having an orderly soul is the main key to life.
white, black, rich, poor, fat, thin, ugly, beautiful, sick, healthy, old, young right, left matters not. The inverse of one’s position should matter not nor should it agitate one’s heart and mind. It’s through the inverse that life exists, not it’s eradication of the inverse.
we can all meet in the field of our humanity and disparities.
may I seek to bring my soul in order and see life for what it is, no more need for hatred or division.
I struggled when I search for meaning outside of whats happening. It is all life and I’ll never arrive. When I forget a host of, usually, negative emotions (self created due to the paradigm I constructed) become present.
My particular path is learning to enjoy all of it as I do not see another way to get satisfaction out of life. When I believe that once I get a particular object and ‘then I’ll be happy’ or ‘then I can rest’ is only a deceit that I use to fool myself. In the past I was unaware of such trickery. I know all things will not create the same feelings and emotions but this is a great source of joy as I can experience them fulling without wishing I was someplace else or holding on; I can strive, journey and accomplish all in a non striving manner, a striving manner that flows, a striving manner that is fluid.
When I see the obversion arriving I must reorientate myself to truth, which is, ‘there is no where to go and there is nothing to do.’
A life (or world) in which feelings are ones highest virtues is a life that can only expect a world of hell, chaos and an abundance of suffering.